Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor

   I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

   If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.

   Trump 2024

   “Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?” Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump.

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

   Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.