Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string. 
If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.
Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!
All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.
I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.
I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.
If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.
A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.
Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...
Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.
Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct 