Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel .

   I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.