mike Funny Status Messages

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   offering his new drink. It's the Bin Laden. It's two shots and a splash of water.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.

   You know it's resolution time when someone has to stop to rest on the way up the stairs TO the gym.....

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way ...... I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, have an enormous feast, then kill them and take their land.

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?

   Judging by all of the rotten-tooth smiles I see in this town, they should put the Fluoride in the meth instead of the water.

   Today, I heard on the radio that Lucasfilm was working on a movie featuring Yoda. Can you imagine writing 90 minutes of dialog for Yoda? Insane the writers will be going.

   Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?

   Studies conclude that labs cause cancer in rats.

   Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman

   without me awesome is only aweso

   Craigslist--the site where I can find anything, until I actually want to buy something....

   the most successful people are those who are good at plan B.