Michael askins Funny Status Messages

   Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..

   may the bridges I burn light my way...

   likes being vague, because it's almost as fun as doing this other thing.

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   The government shut down? Hmm.. Didn't notice any difference...

   thinks spell check is for the week

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   thinking of spending the cab money on more shots and just taking the ambulance home

   Happiness is'nt getting what you want, it is wanting what you've got

   you get what you pay for... Nothing proves this more than toilet paper and hookers

   likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Rebecca.

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   I just seen someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty running down the road being chased by a Rottweiler..... Today is off to a great start!!!

   I may be reading too much into this, but I'm pretty sure this girl I met is stalking me... I saw her google my name last night through my binoculars.. I nearly fell out of the tree!!

   If your in the grocery store with your new iphone 7 and pay with food stamps don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   Likes being vague.. because its almost as fun as doing this other thing..

   You know those packets that come in beef jerky to keep it fresh? I just ate one... And it wasnt half bad..

   Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...

   wondering if you have multiple personalities and threaten to kill yourself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   thinks it's tricky when you're ignoring someone and they ask you if you're ignoring them.