Hot Tea Funny Status Messages

   If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

   Dear Westboro Baptist Cult, we have a funeral you can protest. It's in Pakistan, we'll help you pack. The Patriot Guard promises to not bother you

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   I just saw a "Git-R-Done" bumper sticker on a Prius and I don't know what's real anymore.

   The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.

   It's 2011. You'd think we'd have a toothpaste that doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   wants to change out the sound of her car horn for gun fire. I mean, who has an urge to blow a trumpet when you get road rage anyhow?

   DEFENITION: Jagermeister - Irreversable decisions in a bottle.

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.

   Sometimes my mind wanders. I don't know what it does the rest of the time.

   They should have an option that says "On the Prowl" for your Relationship Status..." Single "just isn't cutting it .

   I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.

   watched numerous horror movies without so much as a flinch, but I just crapped a brick when the toast popped up out of the toaster.

   Veteran: Someone that wants to choke the crap out of the punk in front of you for not taking his hat off during the National Anthem. Someone that still gets queasy around dehydrated food. Someone that has to use all their might to not tear up during "Taps

   And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Did I remember to clear my browser history?

   I don't know who's apartment I stayed at last night, but I just showered here and their shampoo is PHENOMINAL.