Funny Status Messages

   Oh, there's no plates like foam for the Holidays.

   I’ve never forgotten my Grandad’s last words to me just before he died. Are you still holding that ladder?

   The Angel of Death said, I’ve come for you. The man said, But why? I’m happy, I’m healthy… The Angel said, you left your phone at home unlocked and your wife found it. The man said, alright let’s go then.

   I asked my doctor, do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life? The doctor replied, I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don’t believe in all that astrology crap. He said, neither do I, my thermometer just broke.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.

   A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.