Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.

   The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.

   A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”