Boo Hiss! Funny Status Messages

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.

   Hump Day tedium..(Yes, tedium. I don't care about your boring business deal. Unless you won the lottery or Marilyn Monroe came back from the dead to gave you head, your day was tedious.)

   Q: What is the difference between a Hell'$ Angel and Jehovah's Witness? A: The Hell'% Angel comes to your door and tells YOU to "F*&%k Off!!"

   All these New Year's facebook invites. Go see a $hitty band 2,000 miles away. A smoke filled rednekk bar 1,000 miles away. Or stay home and get sauced with a hot blonde in a Frederick's outfit. What to do what to do....

   Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   I had a circular driveway put in my front yard. Now I can't get out.

   When I was a kid, my brother would say stuff to me like, "My mom can be@t up ur mom!"

   This year I'm giving my girl the best Christmas gift ever. Anybody got any tips on how to wrap your b@lls?

   This is amazing & really works with ANY age!! Take your age, add two, subtract two. THAT's your age!! CrAzY!!