Funny Status Messages
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Every day is April Fools if you voted for Trump. 
Don't get Donald Trump started on how Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd is no match for Dreamy Eyes Sean Hannity.
Wonder if Donald is going to borrow money from Vladimir Putin to pay for Trump University lawsuit.
Want to help mexicans? Forget protesting the wall. Get your family on heroin.
I installed an energy saving water heater this morning. It's a tankless job but somebody has to do it.
Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?
Curosity killed the cat, but I was suspect for a while
If to this day you still going on about how Trump won, you are an idiot of the lowest order. By now you should be talking about how Trump made America great again, which unfortunately is just a promised pipe dream.
At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee
been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"
I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
I'm so glad we don't have a Democrat president or else everyone would be crying.....wait everyone is!
The leading cause of divorce is marriage.
When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.
Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."
Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
"Mommy, can we go visit grandpa in Washington this weekend?" "Barron, I've told you a hundred times that is your Daddy."
If this is a witch hunt, didn't it end when they found Kellyanne?
Jobs, jobs jobs. Trump won't stop until every American can afford to hire a Russian call girl to pee on them.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts… 