Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone asked me how many lbs do I think I need to lose before I get thin. I told him, "the same number of brain cells you lost to become a complete imbecile."

   I was listening to Sirius XM radio yesterday, and "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is" by Chicago came on. I said, "It's 3:19." No response. No "thank you" or "I appreciate it." Nothing.

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my daughter will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids Bloody Mary in a Styrofoam cup with a straw.

   Some of you can count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand and after this week some of you will only be able to count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand.

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" ever came up with any other phrases.

   Let this stupid kid out that likes his own post for 100 tiimes and bring the funny ones back.. f this kid....

   The only time I've ever felt like a male trapped in a female's body was the 9 months before I was born.

   Waiting on my Canada Smoke Stimulus Check

   Party at my house on July 4th., just bring the beer, meat and veggies. I got the plates.

   The best time of day for a prostate exam is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

   New song. Smoke on the water, Fire in Canada

   All women over 40 have garlic breath.

   I'm at the age where I don't want to throw away a box because, well, it's a really nice box.

   Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”? Simply buy normal jeans and put on a sheetload of weight.

   I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

   I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

   When will these social media model wannabes learn that guys drool over anything. The only things required are 2 t'ts, a hole, and a heartbeat. Heartbeat optional.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.

   Did you know that 36% of women are battered ... and all this time ...I've been eating them raw

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the