Funny Status Messages
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Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger. 
Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice.
Log off Facebook and go to church if you want to pray. Facebook was exclusively invented for spying and stalking
I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
dont fart in an apple store, they dont have windows
Trump said he would get rid of NAFTA in his 100 days in office. Now he says he's not going to scrap it afterall. Does this guy actually knows what he's doing???
You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!
When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease
Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"
Trump lost the trade war with Mexico, bwahahahahaha! Get use to losing all the time, with dump in office, America will keep on losing!
i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!
NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.
I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.
They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.
Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?
Feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut 