Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm looking to date

   Tony Bennett passed away. I heard he donated his organs.He left his heart to San Francisco!

   Attention model wannabes on Instagram: Doesn't it bother you a little that 99% of the men who drool over your photos have names written in Aramaic and Sanskrit?

   Local cover bands who think they're "it"... Drive 100 miles somewhere away from town and walk into any store or restaurant. I guarantee no one will recognize you.

   The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but you should always check.

   і wіsh you could doordash some of you people knuckle sandwіches

   Since we only have pop tarts and no mom tarts, Kellogg's is introducing, "Gender Neutral Tarts."

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say, “You hit like a sissy.”

   Whatever cunt

   No matter how much they insist, never ever play Leapfrog with a Unicorn.

   Yeah. It's callled SUSHI.

   Anybody have a good recipe for stuffed rice? 🙃

   I started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried Grapes. It's all about Raisin awareness.

   Tom Cruise got his line all tangled on his rod & reel. It made Fishin' Impossible

   It's sooooo hot, Hunter put ice in his coke

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, then everyone disagrees.

   So she said, "I'd like to have dinner again if you would like to." And I said, "Can we do it another time? I'm full."

   My girlfriend asked if I noticed anything different, so I held my breath til I passed out.

   My cat died. But I know he'll forever live on in passwords.

   Sephora is my favorite place to fart.