Funny Status Messages

   Mess with your older neighbors by adding water to their rain gauges.

   I saw a mosquito stand on my arm and let it bite me while I just stared and said "is it in yet?" to make it feel insecure about itself.

   If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, damn that must have been really painful.

   A leopard can drag something half its weight up a tree. A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

   Lesbians are

   I WENT AND PUT MY SYMPTOMS ON WEB MD. TURN OUT I HAVE GARY BUSEY DISEASE .

   I couldn't afford one of those DNA/ancestry kits, so instead, I posted that I won the lottery.

   Word of the Day: Bozone. The aura surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

   The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be Happy . Now I live with 6 Dwarfs and work in a forest..

   Yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but they're my arms and legs and I can't leave them at home.

   Instagram: Hispanic women with big rear-ends whose entire bodies will resemble pumpkins with legs when they turn 50.

   I call my peeniss Joe Pesci, because I haven't seen that little guy in years.

   If I comment on your post “Nice filter, are you gonna block me?”

   Song Wrecker . Someone who you can't listen to a certain song without having a bad flashback to ?

   I can never find my college Alma Mater's football games on TV. I attended FU. It's the only school that'd accept me. I graduated Smegma Cum Lordy.

   A blonde finds out she's going to have twins and starts crying. "What's wrong," the doctor asked, "Do you not want twins?" The blonde replied, "No, I don't know who the second dad is!"

   Jimmy Buffett sat on a tuffet Drinking his Tanqueray When along came a drunkard A pothead had skunkard And folks in Key West are all ghey..

   passing away to margaritaville

   RIP Jimmy Buffett. The Hurlburger's in Paradise.