BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

   Dear Diary: "I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot

   I can never decide whether "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is incredibly sweet, or incredibly terrifying

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a squirt gun fight. I'm just killing time updating my FB status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Apocalypse Update - Day 68 (Deep within my Command Bunker): Finally received a TV signal. The only channel I could get was "E" network. Kim Kardasian is knocked up!! The "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" begins!! Well played Mayans, well played!!

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping...... On a side note; Police report that there has been no progress made in an attempt to identify the "naked man" seen streaking out of the mall's wishing fountain.

   I discovered last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee in the middle of the night......Is sleeping right through them.

   Online dating creeps me out! I'll stick with good old-fashioned prison pen-pals.

   I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won.

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony

   I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected president...

   Damn, You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   98% of my old High School friends here on Facebook used Math tutors to excel in class. The other 13% used me......

   Dear Northern Liberal tree huggers.......Winter Storm Nemo says FU and your global warming!!!

   Dear Windshield Wipers, "Can't Touch This!!" ... Sincerely, The Little Triangle

   Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!

   Scientific fact: Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. You're welcome all my future 120 yr old FB friends!!!

   Just once I'd like to see a random stranger gut-punch the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   Hey Britt's..... I'm one of those "Smelly Fuck" Americans and I have a question for you... I found this old looking sword that has "Property of Cornwallis" stamped on the blade somewhere near Yorktown.... Does it belong to one of you guys?