Funny Status Messages
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Beer tastes better when you have to work the next day, it’s science 
A man dining in a restaurant asked his server "Do you have frog legs?" The server replied "Yes". The man said, "Then hop into the kitchen and bring me my dinner!"
The good news for AL Franken is this should make him a contender for President
All these revelations of sexual harassment, groping etc coming out of Hollywood is horrible...but how is Richard Dawson not being mentioned? That dude used to do it right on TV (Family Feud)!
Just because you're trash doesn't mean you cant do great things...Its called a Garbage Can,Not a Garbage Cannot.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy... Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation... My Czech is in the mail
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes...... "No hablo ingles."
My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.
I don't recall what I can't recall because I can't recall it. Jeff Session
wife: I'm having a baby. me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have a baby as well.
If it wasn't for online porn I couldn't spell amateur.
The only person I wanna chat with is my dog.
-inventing vodka- who’s thirsty for yeast infected potato juice?
Superman wears glasses, everyone thinks he’s a different person. I wear glasses people say: “Hey, why are you wearing glasses?”
Irony: People waving Confederate flags telling others, "get over it, you lost".
those people in the office with the rolling cart full of everyone's mail....they really push the envelope
Gross thought of the day... Vienna sausage juice.
Q. What does a day old donut have in common with Betty White? A. They're both pretty dry when you eat them.
I'll bet that hookers calculate their profits and losses by using a spread sheet. 