Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   Then there was the blind prostitute. You really gotta hand it to her....

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   So, like... where's God hiding while this Middle East conflict rages on?

   If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

   If you have to pay a celebrity millions to hawk your product, your product must suck.

   I don't understand why people get in the left lane just to drive the speed limit. That lane is for crime.

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you'll never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome.

   It is said that 1 in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I haven't yet figured out if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

   Please wear your masks. It saved my friends life. He was having lunch with his girlfriend and his wife didn't recognize him.

   As an electrician, I always hated grounding my kids

   White trash go to the movies Just for the trailers

   Four people on Google give a restaurant a bad review so you won't eat there. But millions of people report bad side effects from a vaccination and you keep going back for boosters. And bringing your kids.

   I'm almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

   Ladies. Does listening to Taylor Swift songs actually help you deal with your tragic love lives?

   Here is some good free advice. When you see someone gorgeous, this is what I do. I just stare until I get tired, then I put the mirror down and go do something else.

   Forgive and forget? What do I look like? Jesus with Alzheimer's?