Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't wait to watch The Walking Dead tonight...otherwise known as the most anticipated commercial break event of the year

   My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.

   I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.

   I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.

   Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..

   I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed

   In your face Putin. Right in your stupid face. Go Trump!! Show Putin who the real boss is.

   Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right

   After the US, UK, and France's attack on Syria, I propose a name change to the capital city from Damascus to DamnAssKicked.

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.

   A study says we only use 12% of our brain. Just think how intelligent we would be if we used the other 70%.

   Woman aks pharmacy clerk if they sold extra large comdoms. Clerk said yes, would like a pack? No she replied. But I'd like to wait here untill someone does.

   When we were kids my sister played with dolls and I played with soldiers. Now it's the other way round.

   There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.

   I panicked when they asked me to come up with a cool and sexy stripper name. So if you head over to the strip club, ask for Deborah.

   Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.