Funny Status Messages

   I have a night light in my room because it makes me feel safe. Nothing scares a monster more than a low wattage light bulb shaped like a Donald Duck.

   The busiest person at the White House is whoever has to update the office contact list.

   Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

   I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   A relationship is doomed from the beginning, when all you bring to the table is your private parts.

   My labrador Retriver chewed up my TV remote controll. Now every time he farts the TV turns off.

   I'm a bird watcher. But when I go bird watching it seem to makes the men unconfortable in the men room

   The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?

   my ex was so obsessed with her horoscope. its what Taurus apart.

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.

   my credit is so bad, they stopped giving me gift cards.

   every girl like to be swept of her feet,.... its when you put her in the trunk that she freaks out.

   I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.

   How TF is Easter, April Fools, and Rent Due all on the same day?!

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   After all the "Stormy" there's some "Sunshine" in the white house

   Caroline Sunshine went from one mickey mouse organiation to another one.