Funny Status Messages

   If you don't like my Facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the biggest news of the day on his/her page is what she had for lunch

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away

   People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   According to this IRS form, I multiply line 32 by the opposite number of my dependents plus the logarithm of the number on line 17 unless my shirt has a front pocket and WAAAAA!! brain explodes

   We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.

   There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.

   We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.