GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

   If there is no sound in space, is a fart on earth louder than a supernova?

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. It's ridiculous because I didn't even know it was her birthday.

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   Groceries are so high that Thanksgiving is looking like taco Thursday this year.

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?