Funny Status Messages

   Have a (cough cough) happy(cough cough) 420 (cough cough) everone

   It's only great again for those of us who can spell.......idiot

   I'm not sure who complains more, Hillary or LeBron.

   You know you're brainwashed when Donald Trump and FOX News have you convinced that the FBI are the bad guys and Russia are the good guys.

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?

   I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone

   Apparently, Russia has the best hookers. I know where i'm going on vacation now.

   If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.

   4 20

   She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."

   Fun Fact: In the year 2020, 4/20 will be an entire month.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.

   Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.

   Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. And also, he says he's been a good and faithful husband.

   I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet. Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?