Funny Status Messages

   I was shopping , thought cashier would ask if I wanted the receipt or not .I was prepared .She told me to have a nice day I said no thanks 😕

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I'm thinking of hiring Michael Cohen as my lawyer. He only has three clients and apparently he works for free. He doesn't take money from anyone.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   Rich men treat ladies the way ladies treat broke men.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   Write the name of someone you hate on your arm every day with a permanent marker. That way if you die they'll become a suspect.

   Could everyone stop typing for a moment while I try to remember if I took my pills. Thank you.

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot

   Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head

   Teacher: Johnny,Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence..... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and...Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   If you don't like my Facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the biggest news of the day on his/her page is what she had for lunch

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away

   People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.