Funny Status Messages

   Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round 🍎🍆🍇🍓🍒🍐🍉🍍 you go home smelling like fruit salad.

   I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage

   If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

   I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ is not saying "You can bang all the porn stars you want, as long as you glue a plastic fish on your car's bumper".

   For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   I'am a compulsive liar Everything I say is a lie And that is the truth.... "BELIEVE ME"

   Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.

   I'm a nice sociopath. You can trust me.

   She's complicated? No kidding! So is my can opener.

   Sorry I used your hummus dip to exfoliate my feet.