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When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.
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04-22-2018 20:38
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I stopped talking to myself because it's too much social stimulation
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04-22-2018 20:33
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Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.
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04-22-2018 20:30
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gettin extra faded in honor of mini me
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04-22-2018 19:14 by
Fadolo
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If Jack Black and Jack White had a baby together, what name would they use?
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04-22-2018 18:08 by
gil
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The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
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04-22-2018 17:46
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I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.
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04-22-2018 13:18 by
M.Scott
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So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.
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04-22-2018 10:21
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A 15 minute workout usually takes me 3 days.
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04-22-2018 10:14
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Melania Trump to have first state dinner by herself. Hmmmmmm, interesting.....
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04-22-2018 01:20
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If it behooves me, I don't want it.
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04-22-2018 00:11
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"420 is to the marijuana industry, what valentine's day is to the flower business
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04-21-2018 23:31
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Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.
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04-21-2018 22:53
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If you ever see me running, follow me. The liquor is about to close.
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04-21-2018 12:59
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We can be the kind of people who put daffodils in vases. Or we can be the kind of people who leave ants outside.
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04-21-2018 12:38
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There’s nothing better than driving fast on a warm beautiful morning and listening to loud music. Well...sex, food and money are better but I have none of those. I’ll take what I can get.
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04-21-2018 12:33
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What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?
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04-21-2018 11:57
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What we have here is a failure to want to communicate.
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04-21-2018 11:57
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In Japan they read sentences from the right to the left. Kind of like how Americans read a menu.
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04-21-2018 10:59
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I miss the days when a restaurant would tin foil wrap my leftovers into a swan or a boat or a hat to keep the NSA out of my brain.
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04-21-2018 08:58
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