Funny Status Messages

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.

   I think the toothbrush was invented in England. If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

   My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.

   Why do ugly strippers charge as much as the pretty ones?

   Guys we're having "Little Seizures" tonight!

   Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!

   A lot of southern states are celebrating Confederate Memorial day today(4/23) even though the official date is April 26. Confederate Memorial Day is a legal holiday observe in the southern states.

   One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

   Never judge a clown until you've walked a mile in his shoes!

   Forgive me, for I have sinned. Same time tomorrow?

   does anyone remember when lol meant “laughing out loud” instead of “this is to indicate that this brief text isnt hostile”

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   giving the recent plane accident, I bet now Mitt Romney realizes why the plane windows stay closed

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   I'm so ugly, when I play Mortal Combat, Scorpion tells me "Stay Over There!".

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood

   Mini Me was only 49. He lived a short life.

   When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.