Funny Status Messages

   Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely

   If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice.

   "Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"

   Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.

   I know I'm ugly and I got no right to ask but please..... Send nudes

   It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges

   You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.

   Does it look like I know what a polygon is?

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

   How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?

   Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who still says "righty tighty lefty loosy" before turning anything

   Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.

   No woman will ever get caught cheating unless she wants you to know! Basic law of life.

   It's steak, not stake dumb ass.

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right now.

   After a news briefing outside the white house. trump and president Macron walked away holding hands. What's up with that

   Well, looking like Bill Cosby's gonna get to meet Fat Albert, for realz.

   Free to a good home. My Bill Cosby vinyl collection.