Funny Status Messages

   Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.

   Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   I'm no English major, but shouldn't Apple's Tim Cook have encouraged those graduates to "think differently"??

   Haikus are fun / But sometimes they make no sense / Refrigerator.

   I'm so old I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.

   Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships

   Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

   Bruce Jenner must be so confused today

   remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast

   God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.

   My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.

   Trump is such a horrible politician. I can't believe that he's actually doing what he promised he would do before the election.

   Trump said the Iran agreement was the worst deal ever...... Guess he forgot his $130,000 deal with Stormy

   "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   "Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.