Funny Status Messages

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.

   At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and just ride it out.

   My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.

   this a Royal Wedding or the Kentucky Derby? The hats make it confusing. I'm taking ""Camilla" to Show.

   There are many benefits of being fat. Take Buddha for instance. He was too heavy to be put on a cross so they told him to just sit there quietly.

   I don't think trump had any collusion with the russians...... He's not that smart.

   Fun fact. Swedish meatballs are actually a recipe king Charles XII brough back from a trip to Turkey. So they really Turkish meatballs.

   Everyone is talking about the royal wedding but life isn't a game of thrones

   I would send thoughts and prayers, but I would rather vote and send better politicians...

   I watched 30 minutes of Kong: Skull Island on TV, which was more than enough to confirm why I don't waste money on movies anymore.

   America going straight into 'thoughts & prayers' Groundhog Day mode after yet another mass school shooting.

   I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.

   Stop talking about the Royal Wedding, your cats are sick of hearing about it.

   I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!

   Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

   If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.

   Me: I have fillings for you. Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: I'm married and I'm your Dentist...