Funny Status Messages
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Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell. 
In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
Alert and sober is no way to go through life.
People who say "This is the final straw!" You know you can always go to McDonald's and steal some more right?
Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .
When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.
Last year I received 87 birthday wishes via facebook, text and phone. This year I received 98. That's an increase in popularity by 12.64%. Stocks going up.
Order Food, Eat Food, Put on a MAGA Hat, get kicked out, don't pay
ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees
You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.
What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?
Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.
FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.
I’ve just realized I’ve come to a point in my new life . That I’m extremely happy that my favorite neighbor is that cat that lives three floors down!
I want a girl who can drink as many beers as me & who orders a burger & fries for dinner, not salad. Also men: She can't be fat, tho.
" You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."
I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.
Boycott Walmart: I’m starting to think that Make America Great Again is not cut out for capitalism.
Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.
The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow. 