Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ain't it funny how the night moves When you just don't seem to have as much to lose Strange how the night moves With autumn closing in....

   It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...

   You know she is single AF when all she posts is selfies.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   I'm an artistic representation of beautiful intentions and horrible decisions.

   If you get a full 8 hours of sleep do you die?

   I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.

   ‪Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person, but what you do with the booger will define you. ‬

   My bucket list..... 1. Bucket 2. Ice 3. 6pk beer.

   ive been seeing this girl in my building for about 2 weeks,but its over now she caught me and threatened to call the cops.

   "The worst fault that people have is telling other people theirs."

   No I am not childish. You are just a doodoo head!

   Yaaay! Sam Patten has joined Mueller's side. Welcome to the club, Sam!

   Brace yourself for pumpkin his and pumpkin that bull$hit

   "Just because she weighed as much as 2 people, that doesn't mean you had a threesome."

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.

   Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.

   I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.

   Have you solved the PUZZLE or are you still looking for the pieces ?