Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump is the best thing to ever happen to US comedians.

   Plaid shirt guy for 2020!

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   "54 days till Halloween Halloween Halloween, 54 days till Halloween Sliver Shamrock." Ba ha ha boo.

   If the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long. When does the bus driver get any sleep?

   Serena Williams said she'd rather lose than cheat while her coach admitted to cheating....

   So I booed you at your own wedding, can’t we just let bygones be bygones?

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

   My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.

   Eating yogurt doesn't make you cultured.

   .I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.

   I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................

   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

   "If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?

   Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.

   Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?

   Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.

   genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish

   My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.