Funny Status Messages

   Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   Anyone want some staples? Hold your hands out!..[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[....enough?

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   Does a white man using chopsticks to eat count as cultural appropriation?

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   Hot dogs, peas and applesauce, hum hum.... Hot dogs, peas, and applesauce, hum hum.

   Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!