Funny Status Messages

   A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”

   A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.

   How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?

   I started a support group for men with erectile dysfuntion. It was a flop and nobody came.

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   Build the wall out of solar panels. Make God pay for it.

   I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either.

   Apparently bumblebees don't want you to pet them.

   Sure hope this episode of “Celebrity President” ends soon.

   The best way to open a Capri Sun is with a bullet.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   Someone on my fb just posted they had just backed synonym buns. I replied, you mean the ones grammar use to make? Now I'm blocked

   I always confuse actresses Meryl Streep and Glenn Close. They both look like men but only one has the appropriate first name.

   Quick! While the Government is shut down, let's create a new one.

   You can never go wrong with medieval technology.

   "Alexa, Get me a divorce."

   Since he likes to shut things down, why doesn't he shutdown the shutdown ?

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.

   I just cleaned up my friends list. So if you could see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.