Funny Status Messages

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me

   I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?

   I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.

   A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.

   If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

   My mother never saw the iorny in calling me a s.o.b.

   If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!

   *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"

   Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?

   My New Years resolution, to screw them before they screw me.

   t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't

   My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.

   Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.

   The sooner you give up on me, the easier this will be for both of us.

   How the hell did we go from “Mexico will pay for the wall” to not paying government workers until the American Taxpayers pay for the wall?

   I haven't failed, I just found several ways it won't work.

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the world clocks when you google grandfather clocks.