Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In unrelated news Julian Edleman and Tom Brady have just checked in to couples therapy...

   My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?

   Samsung devices can now run 3 apps simultaneously while you can't even hover past incoming calls on the iPhone😩

   Samsung galaxy S10 Will still Touch ground and break If it can't float on the air when I mistakenly drop it, I don't want

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!

   Facebook - The only place in the world you can be social while being antisocial.

   Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You're one of them.

   Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one year bad luck." Mirror: "Are you kidding, break me you get seven years bad luck." Condom: Ha ha ha, and walks away.

   I think politeness is important. That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

   I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   Ladies; If he doesn't want to watch you masturbate he's not that into you....or girls

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

   Rain rain go away so I don't waste all my time staring at Facebook all day.

   A couples finances in a relationship. Woman: the money I make is my money.The money he makes is our money.