Funny Status Messages

   My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.

   [training the new person at work] Them: so you do this everyday? Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

   Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

   Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?

   Ever notice that Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, drooling, or unaware of what year you’re in.

   Doctor's orders say at least 30 crunches a day....That's an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot.

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.

   The Golden State Warriors are losing the NBA championship on purpose because they don't want to visit the White House.

   someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   lot of traffic and your Alexa ranking isn’t as strong as it could be.

   I finally finished reading “Great Expectations “ . It wasn’t all I hoped for.

   I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.

   Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.

   I asked "Alexa, what do women want" This thing havent shut up for three days now

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes