Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where is my balloon? I thought What ever goes up comes down!

   I would get your number but I already got it off the bathroom wall.

   angry,she caught Chlamydia from a bicycle seat

   not allowed to use metaphors anymore. It's like an applesauce sandwich trying to teabag a Yeti. Know what I mean?

   standing on his front lawn with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to come by and take his picture...

   getting into shape; and the shape I have chosen is 'Triangle'.

   went to Church the other day and when the plate came to him, he asked what it was for. The man said it was an Offering. So he took it.

   over white knights on horses... Bring on the vampire in the volvo!!!

   thinks it's pretty stupid that he can't remove his name from the status box here. I mean what kind of guy speaks of himself in third-person anyway? For real...

   secretly Ron Burgundy

   n. 1: An intelligent individual. 2: One who writes dictionary definitions of himself in an effort to look intelligent.

   can't help but notice that fettucini alfredo is just fancy adult speak for macaroni and cheese.

   wants you to read this status. Keep reading it... There, now I have full control over your mind. Now give me a hot dog!

   asks, "What do you get when you cross ketchup with wasabi? WASSUP!"

   not on speaking terms with his liver

   Gone on a vacation with Satan

   available in HD.....highly demented!!!!!

   Never Ever Ever Play leap Frog with A Unicorn

   ( . )Y( . )

   not actually a Jedi and apoligies for scarying the children.