Funny Status Messages

   Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

   *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientis

   "Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]

   If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

   Talk about blatantly forcing yourself on El Paso.

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   I love you, #GreenShirtGuy. I'm cracking up with you.

   Oh great, the Dow Jones is dropping faster than Melania's panties at a photoshoot.

   Does Moscow Mitch have teeth? He's always gumming.

   So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!

   I've always been a night owl who likes to get up early. See my dilemma?

   I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.

   A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.

   MTV turned 38 years old today so lets celebrate 18 years of music.

   My dogs are great as I can always count on them to alert me of danger outside.....and my neighbors coming home, squirrels passing by, the garbage truck in the morning, when the mail man comes and sudden gusts of wind.

   every toddler is just a mini version of Jack Skellington... "what's this, what's this"

   Gotta laugh at Wheezy Joe Biden...offers condolences to the wrong city AND state last night...wake up Joe!

   He has so much thoughts and prayers to offer, he offered them to the wrong city. Best entertaining two and a half years so far!

   I just picked a crumb off my shirt to eat, but it was a fuzz. I chewed it for about 13 seconds before I realized it wasn’t food. My cry for help is almost complete.

   Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.