Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   geting behind early so she can have plenty of time to catch up

   hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

   feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke and let the dreams of the cigarette makers come true then to be selfish and worry about my lungs

   ha ha suckers, gullible IS in the dictionary, I checked....

   if nothing goes right for you .... Go left!

   doesn't want to follow you on twitter because you're not going anywhere.

   proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

   - Hard drive, floppy drive, flash drive, stiffy disk. Who comes up with these names?

   calling someone out on Facebook is like winning the gold medal in the Special Olympics: In the end, you are still retarded.

   wondering ... When Weird Al Yankovic dies, will they do a parody of Michael Jackson's memorial?

   thinks if there wasn't a last minute he'd never get anything done

   My husband wears the pants in the family... I just tell him what ones to wear.

   I cook with wine...Sometimes I even put it in the food !

   reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol

   proud of himself. He just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years!

   just created a facebook page for my right hand so I can tell the world I'm in a relationship with it

   trying to think whether i've been naughty or nice this year but the screaming slaves in my basement are distracting me.

   people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!

   if rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

   if you want to know anything then come to my house because i've got a teenager here who knows everything