Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

   I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

   Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

   I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

   I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

   Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

   Do I look like a freakin' people person?

   starting to get nervous about Y3K

   started taking Gingko Biloba pills to improve his Memory...but, he keeps forgetting to take them!

   learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros.....sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess

   just found out the difference between kinky and erotic..erotic was the use of the feather..kinky was the whole damn chicken

   slept with his girlfriend's younger sister. She found out and said, "You disgust me." I said, "We never discussed you at all.

   I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

   probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   wondering WHY does Barnes & Noble have all their books on back pain on the bottom shelf? WTF?!

   using your wifi

   staring at a Orange Juice box coz it says concentrate

   if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.