Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   marriage? no thanks I can't mate in captivity.

   duct tape is like violence: If it's not working, you're not using enough of it.

   likes huge ( . )Y( . )

   doesn't blame Congress. If I had 600 billion does I would be irresponsible too...

   auditioned to be the 5th Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but sadly, is too old.

   Sexy,Single and ready to mingle!!!

   waking up in vegas

   has not lost his mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.

   wonders if there is another word for synonym!

   handing out clean needles at the Betty Ford Clinic

   Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

   cooking an Indian tonight. It's the best way to get rid of the evidence before he's reported missing

   reading another chapter of How to Make Balloon Animals for Dummies - So far I can make a snake...

   headed back to 1988 to pick up a few thousand Microsoft stocks

   finally found out your password, dont bother changing it, I already did!

   to me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks.

   This weekends forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out

   Jesus saves... He must shop at Wall*Mart...

   thanks to all of my fb friends, for without them, I would never know when the work week ends.

   Adults are just kids who owe money.