Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.....

   tired of counting down to the next weekend or vacation so.... only 18,245 days until retirement. Take that society!

   loving that 170 lbs I lost when you left.. not only do I look better.. I dont have your extra weight to carry around!

   made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank.

   I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced I keep the house.

   Ex-wife For Sale...Just take over payment.

   says two fools make a moron, two morons make an imbecile, two imbeciles make an idiot and two idiots make a marriage.

   was thrown out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table.

   running with scissors and eating paste

   hoping to be abducted on Monday and set free on Friday...I know its a pretty wishful thinking.

   It's my birthday and I'll lie if I want to.

   : If Blind people wear Dark Glasses...why don't Deaf people wear Earmuffs?

   wonders...If 7-11 is open 24hrs a Day, 365 Days a year......Why are there locks on the door?

   Bloody speed cameras are a complete con. Not only do the photos take about five weeks to arrive, but they cost £75 a picture.

   campaigning early... 'Anyone Else 2012'

   ,"for god so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son,that whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life."JOHN 3:16

   not an actor on TV but is one in real life.

   If your having facial spasms I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a twitch aint one.

   The first person who milked a cow... wtf were they doing there?

   You don't have to change much to change everything.