Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's ok cause they know me there.

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

   Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

   Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

   Figured I'm pretty smart--it took me all summer, but.. I found all the paw-prints, put them in my notebook, sat down in my thinking chair...& ... I just figured out Blue's Clues & what it's all about!

   we had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

   Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."

   wishing that the gnomes would return my stuff!

   thinks: The greatest pleasure in life is "not" doing what people say you can do.I call it the middle finger logic.

   two people away from a threesome

   Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   an organ donor. Need anything?

   exaggerations went up a million percent last year

   Look at the evil people in the world, Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin what do they all have in common? Mustaches

   will even let you hold the remote control

   curiosity overpowers knowledge.. Now I have a midget transvestite prostitue knocking on my door

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else......

   Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.......

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people............