Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less?

   segregation will not end until they start putting #2 pencils in the same boxes as colored pencils.

   Why is a school zone speed limit 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

   Why the hell didn't the Hamburglar ever steal and eat Mayor McCheese? I mean he was, after all, an ENORMOUS burger.

   The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.

   first there were 3 broken axles then I died of dysentery. Damn Oregon Trail.

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom, my money. You can keep the change!!!

   so he thinks he can make the desicion to change our healthcare over night, comin from a guy who took three months to decide on the color of his new bed room, and 6 months on a dog....

   feels like pile-driving his whiny coworker thru a thick glass table bound with barbed wire into a pool of rubbing alcohol with rusty nails and then set it on fire and drink a beer...

   thinking women should come with a carfax

   "Welcome, you have no mail, but you have 200 spam messages from yours truly"

   reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   just gotten an email stating that I had won the Nigerian lottery! I just left the post office to send off my 1500 dollar processing fee and I'll be on a beach in the Bahama's in no time, SUCKAS!

   she is too tired to be clever for her status.

   Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

   reading a book on the history of glue. and can't put it down

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

   It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!!