Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to know whats up with girls and big-ass sunglasses. You don't pollinate flowering plants.

   just got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with... "according to the prophecy"

   the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it

   so manly not even his sentences have periods

   consulting the "magic 8-ball" for al decisions today!

   repairing a huge hole in my living room wall, Damn You, Kool-Aid man...

   Deleting my browser history almost makes me feel like I never cyberstalked you in the first place

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   doesnt want to die, not because he is afraid of death but because he is worried about all the crap people will find on his computer when hes gone.

   if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

   Milton's stapler!

   thinks 'friends with benefits' should came with a health care package..

   feels like something funny is gonna happen...I'm sitting next to a blackman, whiteman and a chineseman. I'm just waiting on the punchline!

   if you always stop to smell the roses, sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

   me+alcohol+nintendo64=profanity out the ass

   Hey dude... There's your car!

   wishes you were beer

   would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.

   thinks if ballrina's were jusy a little taller, they wouln't have to dance on their tippy toe's as much!

   thinks real men should never say the words "sippy cup".