Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were an animal, I'd eat vegetarians

   Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

   feels like I am at a crossroad. I know you should take the road less traveled... but then who do you hang out with?

   just risked a car accident to type this

   Sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.

   Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

   Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.

   Today, my friend from school was saying how her 'nano' died. I quickly responded by saying "so? recharge it." Turns out she didn't say 'nano', she said 'nana'. dammit....

   When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers.

   Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel.

   says if it wasn't for the last minute, I wouldn't get anything done!

   used to have superpowers, but his psychiatrist took them away...

   running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant "S" written on his Chest Yelling "This Looks Like a Job for..."

   Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

   Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   .......and thats how I got kicked in the balls by Mickey Mouse!!!

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   september ends tomorrow..so dont forget to wake me up!!!

   concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?