Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   out making some changes in his life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   says single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and then go to the fridge..........

   plans on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids yell "Trick or Treat", jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better".

   a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never hear the end of it

   I always give 100% at work:13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday

   wanted a motorcycle when he left school, but his mother said no. She had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18..... So she said I could just have his.

   .. lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this.

   having a facebook moment!

   wondering who is gonna bring me my check now that Ed McMahan is gone ?

   thought "John & Kate Plus 8" sounded like a porno-- Now, definitely, "Kate Plus 8" really sounds like one.

   It's weekend! So drink triple.. see double.. act single!

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!

   is it just me or does anybody else miss the days when music on the radio sounded good, made sense, and actually required talent to make?????

   .............ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

   thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.

   wondering why is there someone in the fitting room at Macy's shouting "we're all out of toilet paper!!"

   wondering if my bed was a circle would I still wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

   If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 10 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status???

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks