Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobel Prizes are not for what you are "trying" to do, they are for what you have actually achieved. I nominate myself for a Nobel Prize in Medicine for my "efforts" in finding a cure for hangovers.

   Never critisize your wife's judgment. . . .look who she married

   NASA is only bombing the moon to help get rid of werewolves...

   the weekend draws near.. oh liver, you know I love u..

   Dear mom while I have been away at college I have learned to make rational and accountable decisions while I'm drinking. However we may or may not have a drunken cat on our hands.

   I brush after every meal.And the Dentist says my hair looks lovely.

   how come no matter how prepared you are for your toast popping up you still get a shock?

   I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

   just found out why the chicken crossed the road....it's really not that funny

   the fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

   'So, Just in case all Hell does freeze over, What's your Number?"

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common

   I don't know whether to laugh at you or pity you

   has never went to bed with an ugly girl, just woke up with a few THANKS ALCOHOL

   unfriended several people. Apparently the whole "other people can see what you say on here" concept doesn't resonate with them.

   How good was last night? Last night was so good, I actually tried to order a vodka tonic at Jimmy John's Subs...If only you would've seen the cashier's face

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   -don't follow my footsteps, I walk into walls

   wishes my lawn was suicidal, then maybe it would cut itself!

   facebook-The only place where married men can poke multiple hotties and stay married.