Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would like to thank his liver for all the support, this weekend . . . Couldnt have done it without you, old friend !

   Playing hide and seek with boredom... I found it!

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   THERES A VAN ACROSS THE STREET THAT SAYS "FREE CANDY" I WONDER IF THEY HAVE TOOTSIE POPS....IM GOING TO CHECK! :)

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   Do you realise that in 40 years time,there will be alot of old ladies walking around with tatoos

   if I had to have both my arms amputated I'd just shrug it off.

   wondering whether Lady Gaga dresses up like a normal person when it's halloween.

   insured by Smith and Wesson

   Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...

   says my wife just accused me of being self-centered.... I nearly fell off my throne!

   Jesus saves..., He passes to Moses!; Moses shoots!..., HE SCORES!!

   me without you is like a nerd without braces, a shoe without laces, a sentencewithoutspaces...

   i would give you a dozen roses, 11 real and 1 fake, then tell you that I will love you till the last one dies...

   did you hear about that kid napping? yeah the poor kid just woke up..

   angrier than a piano player in a marching band.

   Did you see the new scratch off Lotto tickets at the Quikee mart? The jackpot is a Nobel peace prize!

   Dear NASA, thank you for wasting 75 million government dollars to bomb the moon because you THOUGHT you saw "ice"..... I mean really? I think I see ice in a pothole on my block, can I have 200 mortar rounds and a launch tube so I can make sure I'm right?

   has a request…if something should happen to me would someone change my status and harvest my farm town crops?

   got a call this morning at 5:30 and found out I won the Nobel Peace Prize because I thought peace sounded like a good idea. I turned them down becuase I hadn't done anything to win it. Anyone here who the runner up was?